You're a girl

And we couldn't be happier

14/10/14

First Scan

thump thump thump thump thump...

Hearing the heartbeat of something that is 3 millimetres big is quite an experience. Even saw you on the monitor. A tiny white smudge within the blackness of the womb (I'm pretty sure you look just like me). Doctor says so far so good.

Pleased to meet you kid

Your dad

29th July 2014

Reality

This is something that I have been thinking about lately and has made me wonder if, after all, a truly happy childhood like my own will eventually mean a rough landing to the realities of the world, a very rude awakening if you will.

You’re a lucky kid, kid. Privileged even.

I already know that you will be brought up showered with love from your adoring parents, you will have a home, you will never go hungry, you will be spoilt rotten by your grandparents. You will probably have a brother or sister to play with, you will have a mountain of presents under each year’s Christmas tree, you will get an education, have many friends and go on holidays to countries far far away. At least I hope this will be the case as this is the childhood I had and yes, it was a very very happy childhood.

Growing up you will be acquainted with the world on the best possible terms. It will be a beautiful and happy and safe place. For everyone it will seem. At least for a while.

First glimpse of reality will probably be something you see on a news report while playing with your toys in front of the television. You will be four maybe five years old? For me back in 1987 it was the starving children in Africa. I probably asked and I’m sure your grandparents did tell me that the world is not a happy place for all. That these children had no food was inconceivable for a child that has never known hunger. Did anything other than a young boy’s fleeting concern, truly register? Impossible, for any happy child would be my guess.

Then it was the nukes. Late 80s, the cold war, the warplanes. Did anything register besides a bedtime fear that The Bomb would be accidentally dropped on our house? Again, it would have been impossible. As a kid you cannot understand the mechanics of the world, the concepts of greed and hatred are kept confined to the playground.

I grew up sheltered from reality, from all the wrongs of the world and all the misery humanity is capable of. It couldn’t have been otherwise no matter how many times your grandparents explained some things, no matter how many dire news reports I happened to witness. I was incapable of processing the facts.

But as you grow, you will eventually start to understand (to the extent that a person can understand a situation they have never experienced), you better process, you start asking why. You will slowly become more aware and one day you will wake up and realize you are, for the first time, seeing the world’s true face and that your happy carefree childhood was, to an extent, fabricated and did if nothing at all, very little to prepare you for reality.

And the dilemma I am having is how best to raise you in view of the above? We will not compromise your happy childhood I promise. But I fear we will at some point need to find a way to gently acquaint your innocent soul to the often dreadful realities of this world.

I’m not sure how I’ll do it but I have this image in my mind. Something I was thinking about last weekend when I was in the exact same situation I am about to describe to you: So the time will come when we will have just finished playing in the sea by the beach house, sitting on the pebbles in the late summer afternoon looking out at sea and I will point to you in a direction across the open water. And I will explain to you that a few hundred miles in that direction, you could have driven there in just a few hours if not for the water, there is a lot of sadness. A hell of a lot of sadness. See, it’s this place called Gaza and it is next door to us and life there is a glimpse of everything that is wrong with this world. As I write this, innocent people and even helpless kids are dying there (being killed to be precise) and unfortunately something tells me they will still be dying when we are sitting on that beach together in a few years time. I will try and explain how they have done nothing wrong to deserve their fate and that they are the victims of a situation where the people in charge are filled with hatred and greed and value power more than human life. I will do my best to explain all this.

And then I will take you for ice cream. 3 scoops on a chocolate cone.

Note: I just re-read the above. What a depressing second post! Listen, the world can be a wonderful place kid. And humanity can be spectacular and kind and ethical and loving. There have been situations in the last few days that have really got to me. Gaza, Ukraine, Iraq. Depressing or not, I’m posting it nonetheless as these are my thoughts right now and this is the reason I started this blog in the first place. Now I need to go as it’s your mum’s birthday party tonight, we have friends coming over and everything will be good again. And don’t worry I won’t let her have any alcohol.

Your dad,

July 18^th 2014

And so it begins

New Life!  Quite literally

I got the call from your mother yesterday around lunch time while daydreaming in the office. What it was that she said to me exactly I can’t remember now but it was some smartass remark, you know what she’s like. Bottom line, well in fact, the bottom line was that there was a bottom line. Faint, but definitely there. Google* says, faint or not, it is a positive, no doubt about it.

I’m not sure how I felt at that moment. Don’t get me wrong, it was mostly excitement mixed with joy all with a hint of sheer terror. An emotional overload but disappointment, I promise you, was not part of the cocktail. I calculated your estimated birthday but later realized I had got it wrong by a month or so. I couldn’t even add ‘9’ to July.

Forty minutes later we are in the car, in the mid-summer’s midday heat heading to the clinic for verification. Not that I needed it by that point but it seemed an important milestone to be completed, a sort of officiality to it. A simple blood test the results of which would come 3-4 hours later, not instantly as we thought/hoped.

Six in the evening I am back at home staring at your mum staring at the phone. Three hours pass, four hours pass, the phone ringing a few times in between and anxiety is rising exponentially. I am smoking and drinking cold rose wine. I am trying to convince your mum to have a small glass -surely she would have joined me if we hadn’t found out today- but no. No way. Five hours pass and it is now time to act. Your mother has just obtained the doctor’s mobile, a desperate text, a reply that he will shortly be in touch, another hour’s wait, smoking, drinking, ordering Chinese takeaway and then the call comes through. Brief and to the point:

You’re on your way kid and things are about to get interesting

Your dad
15 July 2014

(ETA 8,5 months)

 

* a popular internet search engine we use in 2014. Google it, or whatever the equivalent is these days